GCU Forum - Does this verse sound ok?

Sherry_205423

Gold Member

Posts: 743

Does this verse sound ok?
Nov 11^th, 2012, 10:17am

Hi everyone - I was wondering if the verse below sounds ok. It's for a card from a wife to her military husband. The front of the card stays, "Many Heroes wear capes, my hero wears combat boots. Proud Army Wife." It has a pair of combat boots also on the front.

Far away or near at hand,
you're always there to serve your land.

Fire may rain and bullets fly,
the world will hear your battle cry.

Let Freedom ring for all to share,
Democracy is only fair.

A man of stength and love for all,
a man who's proud and standing tall.

You are my Hero. I'm so proud of you for honoring your commitment to your Country and for Loving me. Stay safe. I miss you alot.

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Susan_142450

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Re: Does this verse sound ok?
Reply #1 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 10:37am

I love it - I think it's fabulous.
One spelling thing, "a lot" should be two words.

Stylistically, I'm wondering about capitalizing the first letter of each line? Is that the right thing to do w/poetry? And if that's the case, I would not capitalize "Freedom." (?)

Really nice sentiment though - but I don't necessarily think it's wife-specific. I think it could work for a child to their dad/uncle or to someone's brother (with or without the "...and for loving me [us].")

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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #2 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 10:46am Thanks, Susan. I really appreciate your comments. I'll go change the grammatical error right now. I knew that, but for some reason it didn't register when I was writing it. Guess I was too wrapped up in the writing.
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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #3 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 10:48am Well, the front says Proud wife, so it is wife specific.
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Susan_142450 Gold Member artist Posts: 522	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #4 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 11:42am Gotchya Obviously in future - you could change the front & expand the possibilities. But I completely understand (especially these days) of getting the image through the process once & then expanding the sentiment.
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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #5 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 12:52pm If anyone else wants to respond, I'd love to hear your comments.
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Doreen_137017

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Re: Does this verse sound ok?
Reply #6 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 12:56pm

Hi Sherry,

I love it too, although I will offer this ...

This sentiment is from a wife to her military husband so keeping it loving and personal is important. I think the 3rd section of the verse should be omitted for such a personal card. It's more of a patriotic statement rather than a I'm proud to call you my husband statement.

Just my opinion.

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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #7 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 12:58pm Thank you, Doreen, I'll consider that.
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Sherry_205423

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Posts: 743

Re: Does this verse sound ok?
Reply #8 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 1:07pm

Ok, another question. In the last line, "a man who's proud and standing tall."

Any suggestions for a sstrong word to replace "proud."

I've used it after that where I say, "You are my Hero. I'm so proud of you....

I don't like the two so close together. Maybe I'm just crazy. I'm a writer and we're told not to do that, so it bothers me.

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Susan_142450 Gold Member artist Posts: 522	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #9 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 2:24pm Maybe "A man of honor standing tall," if that doesn't mess with your rhythm too much. (Also just fyi - strength is spelled wrong - no doubt you'd have caught it or have it spelled right elsewhere.)
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Kathleen_137290 Senior Member artist Posts: 498	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #10 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 2:26pm Here are some ideas from Thesaurus: an honorable man: honest, moral, ethical, principled, righteous, right-minded; decent, respectable, estimable, virtuous, good, upstanding, upright, worthy, noble, fair, just, truthful, trustworthy, law-abiding, reliable, reputable, creditable, dependable
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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #11 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 2:57pm Thank you, Susan, that definitely works. Sometimes when working on rhymes it's hard to get them just right when you've said them a thousand times in your head. Thank you, Kathleen, for all the words.
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Rebecca_140932

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Re: Does this verse sound ok?
Reply #12 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 4:02pm

I looked at your poem and this is what I came up with after changing it around a little bit. You are welcome to use this, or change it in any way if you want. Good luck!

Whether you're far away or near at hand,
you're always there to protect our land.

Fire may rain and bullets fly,
but you stand strong, not scared to die.

Let our freedom ring loud and clear.
It's because of you that we live without fear.

You are my man of strength, with a love for all.
So brave, as you stand up and refuse to fall.

You are my Hero! I'm so proud of you,
for honoring your country and loving me, too.

Please stay safe, and come back to me.
For in your arms I long to be.

Forever and always!

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Sherry_205423 Gold Member Posts: 743	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #13 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 4:11pm Wow! Rebecca that's amazing. I will definitely keep it mind. Thank you very much.
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Rebecca_140932 Gold Member artist Posts: 624	Re: Does this verse sound ok? Reply #14 - Nov 11^th, 2012, 4:11pm Quote from Sherry_205423 on Nov 11^th, 2012, 4:11pm: Wow! Rebecca that's amazing. I will definitely keep it mind. Thank you very much. Very welcome!
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